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Monday, August 22, 2016

Beer Festival...No Please

"I'm a Bud Light man. Whatsa strawngest beer yall got over tharr?"

There are a few good beer festivals. Most of are less enjoyable than standing in line for the bathroom at half-time of a football game. You spent lots of money on a ticket to this year's grandest regional beer event. You bought a battery pack to make sure your phone was up to all of those Untappd check-ins. You hydrated for 3 days to prepare. Your DD drops you and your buddies off at the festival. Today will be epic...

You walk up to a long line but it's cool. Ten minutes later you realize you are in the "Will Call" line. You mumble to your buddy about how they should have the lines marked more clearly but you're still good. Today is all about beer so it's a happy day. You find the appropriate line for your last name but you had to split with your buddy. The man in front of you has been pre-gaming for the last 3 hours and may pass out before he even gets into the festival. He only rubs his hairy back sweat soaked tank top on your arm 4 times. You finally get to the check-in and they hand you a nice little tasting glass and slap a wrist band on you. Your buddy has about ten more people in front of him so you wait at the free snack and water table. Finally, it's time to sample some beer. You only lost a little over a half hour waiting in lines.

As any good craft drinker would, you start looking at the brewery banners and find the booths that aren't distributed in your area only to find that 33 of the 40 booths are regional breweries that you can find in any craft beer store or pub in your area. Bummer. Booth 38 is from across the country though and they have a keg of that their mega hopped Belgian Double IPA that you have been trying to get for two years now. It is 13% ABV and the crowd knows it. They don't rinse the chocolate stout remains out of your tasting glass. The place is starting to smell like soured bread and sweat. The booth beside them has a highly regarded RIS and it is 16% ABV. Captain Back Sweat, from the entrance line, is in front of you again. After 15 minutes of waiting, he gets his sample and takes a sip. Ole Back Sweat claims that that beer is horrible and pours his 4oz sample out on the ground splashing it on your shin. He is a Coors Light man. La Bala de Plata mayne! The brewery rep pulls the tap on the jockey box and the keg blows all in your glass. It's time to trip Captain Back Sweat.

Since all of the beer that you came to sample is gone you resort to the stuff you have been ordering at the local pub for a few years now. The guys just trying to get hammered wasted it all and you are judging the hardcore. You hear words like "turnt" and that "that dark beer" time and time again. Your palate will be wrecked and you will probably drop your souvenir glass shattering it into 6,287 pieces all while listening to a horrible band that is way too loud.

What a terrible day... Next time just skip the festival and have a brew day. If you do go to a festival make a game of it. You could always try to spot idiots wearing long sleeve flannel shirts on a hot summer day and make sure they make it into the background of your Untappd photos.

(This rant was brought to you by really bad festival experiences and an afternoon six pack of Tropicalia. Cheers!) I may spell check tomorrow.... Probably not