disclaimer

HopHead Hardware is part of multiple affiliation programs and links help HopHead Hardware generate revenue. We appreciate you using our links if you decide to purchase anything mentioned on this website.

The Stories

After each homebrew logo is made a story is written. The names of the beers come from these stories. They are written to be read out loud and proper grammar was thrown out intentionally. A few of the beers have no story but there may be a song, an episode, or a book that inspired the name. In that case a link and short description will be provided.

Patient 1 Pale Ale

Peter Lind had been tossed aside by the mainstream scientific community years ago. His ideas were too far out into the cosmos to be accepted by his colleagues. Upon Peter's exile from the greater scientific community, he began experimenting, concocting, and creating in his basement somewhere near Savannah, Ga. It was a moist and musty place but he made do. Without a job, Peter had to fund his projects by channeling some dark paths. Black magic was running rampant in those parts of Georgia and those who practiced it used Peter to source body parts. How Peter came across his "donors" is still unknown.

In the early part of 1984, Peter became obsessed with his great-great-great-great grandfather Dr. James Lind. Dr. Lind's mark on history was left by his research into a cure for Scurvy and how citrus seemed to help fight this dreadful disease. During the spring of 1986 Peter taking a break from harvesting a liver for a ritual that was taking place that evening. While reading a short story that his only friend had given him Peter grabbed for his peeled orange but grabbed his "donors" emancipated heart. It only took one bite for Peter to get an idea. He could create a superior being that was immune to Scurvy, Rickets, and more.

Using basic hand tools, some parts from various "donors" that he pulled from his freezer, and a few parts from his dog named Admiral; Peter started to piece together something that looked like a man. The being had the head of a Russian immigrant that the authorities were searching for, the legs of a local cook, and the only arm that he had in his inventory. The arms "donor" was given to him by one of his clients. Alie was a petite lady of about 24 years old. She wanted out of the black magic circle but the elders felt that she knew too much. They dropped her off to Peter months ago but the arm he used was still very fresh. Peter finished piecing together his creation and placed it into and old whiskey barrel filled with salt water and kept below freezing. Peter never did write down how he planned to make this creature immune to disease.

Peter contacted one of his black magic clients and offered his services in exchange for a ritualistic ceremony, a re-animation. The ceremony took place in October of 1986. In only took about twenty minutes, maybe a few more. The creature was gooey and difficult to handle. Dropping it a few times was the most exciting part of the entire ceremony until the faint pulse was felt. The creature, dubbed Saul, laid silent and motionless for three days strapped to a table in Peter's basement. There was an I.V. in Saul's only arm and a heater placed by it's feet. Just before daylight on the fourth day Saul developed a tremble and by noon it would periodically moan. Peter was excited and began preparing meals. Saul would live on a diet free of vegetables and fruit for a period sixty-six days. It was fed through a port built into it's abdomen. Saul was getting stronger and developing an awareness. Saul had stopped moaning and would just stare at Peter. It wouldn't blink, just stare through him.

By mid-November Peter was starting to think about new projects. He would pour Saul's daily feeding from the blender and go on about his day. By March Saul was getting strong but Peter had no idea. Just before 11 o'clock PM on March 15th, 1987 Saul decided to demand Peter's attention. Saul managed to break the straps that bound it to the table and fell to the floor. Saul didn't know how to walk but immediately figured out how to drag it's body along the floor, all while spilling the contents of it's stomach out of the feeding port. Peter was unaware. On the rainy morning of March 16th Peter went down to the basement to feed Saul and lost his breath when he saw an empty table. He ran down the stairs towards the table in disbelief. Peter slipped on the partially digest meat that had fallen from Saul's feeding port. Peter hit the back of his head and was knocked unconscious. Peter woke up from a sharp pain from his upper body. Saul had incredible strength. While it didn't understand what it was doing, Saul tore Peter apart limb by limb. Days later, Mittens, a neighborhood cat made it's way into the basement. Saul attacked Mittens like a wild dog. Saul must have gained that instinct from the parts of Admiral that were now functioning in Saul. It was starving since it hadn't eaten for days. Saul tried to force the cat into it's feeding port but the cat just wouldn't fit. The creature tore itself apart trying to eat Mittens.

Peter's mail started to fill the mailbox and the postman was getting curious. The stench made him more curious. He entered the home and found the scene. The authorities were in awe by the remainders of Saul but were more concerned with the young man they found living in a cage. He had an ear tag like the ones that go on cattle. The tag was marked "Patient 1."


CAMoats IPA

The year was 1999 when it all finally came to an end. The new millennium was about to get off to a bloody start and the United States government was doing all it could to keep the peace and muffle the voices of the renegade farmers. Some boys from South Dakota decided that some fertile lands that lie just across that state line in North Dakota was theirs. They were oat farmers, you see. Them renegade farmer boys wanted to grow only the choicest of oats to send to New England so that those good people in Vermont could use those oats in some beer. The folks that had the aforementioned land up there in North Dakota were a special breed. They were something between Amish and Mormon. Them North Dakota boys had big strong backs from working the land, and arsenal with more war toys than some small countries and they had a taste for blood. The South Dakota boys knew they were going to have their hands full if they try to take that rich North Dakota soil. They went and got themselves organized.

Them South Dakota boys decided on a leader; he was a man named Edwin Miller. Edwin was a veteran of the Persian Gulf War. He did three tours, the last two of those tours being with a covert group of some real hardcore operators. Edwin had risen to lieutenant colonel by the time his service was done. Edwin was not a man that should be crossed. Them South Dakota boys were feeling real good as the prepared for the fight. There was one problem though. The only truth Edwin ever told was his name. The rest was all lies. Them South Dakota boys didn't know that though.

Now, the folks up there in North Dakota had been preparing for an invasion for quite some time. Not only did they have the best oat farming operation in the United States. They had underground bunkers beneath those golden fields. The bunkers were home to the largest methamphetamine manufacturing operation west of the Mississippi. Them oat fields were heavily booby trapped and all of the traps were hidden by those beautiful oats. You see, them North Dakota boys have been waiting on a Candian cartel to come at them with all of their might. They weren't on the Canadian's radar but the DEA had eyes on them.

The DEA was building a special task force led by Special Agent Bruce Hoge. Bruce had requested assistance from the FBI and the National Guard. The National Guard denied Hoge's request citing that they could not move on American citizens on American soil. After months of surveillance and reconnaissance missions, the special task force was ready to move forward with Operation CAMoats. They set up a command center a few miles across the state line in South Dakota. Now you better believe that them South Dakota boys recognized all of those new faces in town. It didn't take them long to figure out just what was going on.

Edwin Miller figured he could use Operation CAMoats to his advantage so he arranged himself a meeting with Special Agent Hoge. Edwin, being the not so intelligent man that he was, brought four armed guards with him. Who brings four militia types armed with automatic weapons to a meeting with the DEA and FBI? Soon to be dead men do. The meeting was to take place behind a local diner and FBI agents had arrived a short time earlier to secure the perimeter. Edwin and his crew arrived in a rusty old mini-van. As soon as the van stopped and rolled it's side door back the FBI agents, with guns drawn, ran towards the van. "Drop your weapons," they were yelling. Edwin was rattled and pointed a handgun towards the agents. For about twenty seconds the lot behind that diner was pure chaos. Edwin, his four men, and three FBI agents died that day.

Things like that just don't happen in small farming towns; word spread quickly. Them South Dakota boys had exposed themselves. The North Dakota folks knew that a band of renegades just south of their border was bad news. Best they could figure, the Canadian cartel was working with the federal authorities to bring their meth operation down. They deployed a defensive strategy that night.

Two hours after dusk is then the sky lit up. What remained of the band of South Dakota marauders made a move to take the fertile land to the north but they had no clue that them North Dakota folks were waiting. They were waiting on a stronger group than their violent neighbors to the south. The first crudely armored SUV made it's way into the luscious oat fields of North Dakota only narrowly missing a hidden land mine before driving off into a four feet deep trench. The vehicles behind it stopped and panic ensued. As them South Dakota boys started piling out of their trucks the North Dakota folk open fire from every direction. Edwin's younger brother's body fell onto that land mine. The blast took out another six of his brothers in arms. Them North Dakota boys hadn't considered the drought they were going through. Those fields were mighty dry. Fire quickly engulfed the oat fields and swallowed on barn after another and then one house after another. The boys, from both sides, that were in those fields all burned. That is what the newspapers said anyways.

It all ended about as fast as it started. Nobody was left to fight. Flames smoldered for days and it took nearly a week for the authorities to find the meth labs. The family's of the deceased had already gathered at the scene. There was about two hundred of them, maybe a litle less. Special Agent Hodge made a bold move. He went and set those meth labs on fire and they blew up. Those family members were acattered all aroung the oat fields.

Nobody knows what havened to Special Agent Hodge after that. None of the papers mentioned the meth labs or the explosion. The saga of those renegade farmers went undocumented and untold. There were theories, stories, and tall tales but the only poeple that know the real story work of the United States government and they ain't talking.


Beaches of Kelheim Tropical Hefeweizen
Rebuilding from the Third World War was nearly complete by the time 2124. The North Asia Supremacy Union has all but decimated most of Germany.  The war started in 2024 and raged on for nine long years. Horst Hartmann, the Börgermester of Bavaria spent most of his war-time years on the beaches of Montego Bay. Horst didn't return to Germany until a couple of years after the war. His surviving family assumed him to be dead.

Rebuilding Germany proved to be difficult. Factions control small territories. The fabric of modern German Culture, held in place by the SPD, was torn. Upon Börgermester Hartmann's return to Bavaria, he learned that Kelheim's most prized monument was nothing more than rubble. The Czech's has pummeled the Befreiungshalle during the second year of World War Three. The Börgermester went mad when he laid eyes on the shattered and scorched pile of stones. Börgermester Hartmann had no fight left in him. All he wanted to do was to flee back to the beach. The once proud Börgermester found managed to survive for three more years. He wrote tall tales about Montego Bay and lived on stolen table scraps. His body was found frozen next to the river with a few books in a backpack tangled around his leg.

Millions of people still lived in Germany during the rebuilding but each town seemed isolated and cut off from the world. The books that came from the Börgermester's backpack held storied that would be told time and time again. The stories of Montego Bay became more outlandish every time they were told. By 2124 Montego Bay, now known and "The Bay," was known as a tropical heaven. The waters had healing powers, fruit was abundant, the was even a river of fine ale. Hylda Sauer was the ruler of the faction that controlled most of Southern Germany in 2124 and she had grown up hearing the tales of The Bay. She believed them all. Hylda was without a religion and all of her belief was consumed by her desire to see The Bay. She was a see in her own mind and once had a vision of the bay falling into a great crater in the sea. Hylda believed that The Bay was gone forever. Being the all powerful ruler that she was, Hylda has allies with special powers. Their alliance was bound together with the belief of great sorcery. If Hylda's alliance was as powerful as they thought they were the could accomplish unimaginable things.

They were that powerful. The sorcery was real.

A farmer planted a pineapple tree in Kelheim. Two years later he offered a fruit to Hylda. She recognized the pineapple from the stories of The Bay. The sweet fruit sent her into madness. She had to visit The Bay. Knowing that The Bay was gone forever she started planning a move. Hylda hoped to move her budding empire to the beaches of Rostock. The alliance knew that Rostock was being held by Polish forces but her army was almost as strong. To the south of her was Munich. A once great city that was a few decades behind in it's own rebuilding. Hylda captured Munich and took it's military as her Kelheim's own. The magical alliance wasn't interested in Munich's soldiers though. Hylda and the sorcerers wanted the land.

Together the magical alliance developed a plan. They also planned a ceremony. The plan was to lift all of Germany into the sky and rotate it one hundred and eighty degrees, give or take a few degrees, and to sit it back down. Being the powerful sorcerers that the alliance was this wasn't difficult. Some of the older gentlemen begged for planning and caution but Hylda was still mad from the taste of pineapple. Without warning the locals the ceremony began. The earth shook a little bit for five days. On day six all of Germany lifted into the sky. The North Sea emptied itself into the crater faster than the Norwegian Sea could refill it. Hylda and her friends had not planned for the rotation of the Earth. They could see their crater disappearing into the distance. Gravitational pull was started fighting against the magic and Germany began to in the air. Hylda became frantic and ordered that the land be lowered to the Earth.

It was a violent collision but the surviving German and their country landed southwest of Hawaii. The resulting tidal wave washed the Hawaiian Islands to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean and shifted the Earth on it's axis. Within a decade Germany was starting to look like a tropical paradise. Hylda could be found surrounded by scantily dressed young German men and sipping on wheat ale on the Beaches of Kelheim.


Ya Know'm Sayin Duble IPA
 
I named this hazy double IPA after this scene.



Plum Trashy
Back in 2015, Levi lost his job at the refinery in Tuscaloosa. The slumlord kicked him out of his apartment six weeks later but Levi had a line on a new job in Norman, Oklahoma. He was going to be building valves and a plumbing supplies factory. The place burned down on Levi's first day. It was probably his fault. He had nowhere to go except for the streets where he developed a nasty meth habit. Even meth heads get hungry.

Out of meth, hungry, angry, and smelling bad, Levi could be found dumpster diving behind Norman's grocery stores. He spotted a stock boy throwing away a big bag of fruit which Levi quickly recovered. He ate on that fruit for days. At the bottom of the bag, there was some rancid chicken and a whole bunch of rotting plums. Levi knew better than to mess with the chicken. He had made that mistake before. Levi ate the plums and it didn't take long for the cold sweats to start.

He was found passed out in a junk yard. The guard dog had been chewing on his ankle for a few days. His foot was in a boot about 20 feet away from where he laid. Mr. Mike, the junk yard manager, knew he was there but was willing to do his part of thinning the local bumb population. The Norman locals were tired of the meth heads. Levi woke up but couldn't feel a thing. When he tried to stand he just floated into the air. Levi spotted that dog chewing on his boot that his foot was in. Anger built while he stared at the dog. A bolt of lightning flew out of Levi's chest and incinerated the mangy old rottweiler. Could it be? Did the rotten plums covered in rancid chicken juices give Levi super-powers? It would seem so.


It took a few weeks for Levi to learn how to control his newfound abilities. He stopped two robberies, a rape, and he killed a wife beating lesbian before he found a small bag of meth. The Norman locals were scared of Levi and found him passed out behind the dumpster at the Piggly-Wiggly. Mr. Mike brought jumper cables and a cement truck to the scene. The locals hooked one end of the jumper cables up to Levi's chest and buried him in concrete. The electric company tapped him into the power grid. The residents of Norman, Oklahoma never had to pay for electricity again.


Light As The Breeze Belgian Wit
Inspired by Billy Joel's song about S&M. Listen to the lyrics.



Dr. Bell's White IPA
By the mid-1980's South Carolina was nearly covered in ominous clouds. The clouds seemed to stop at the coast and state line.  The entire state was swallowed by the night, even at noon. The epidemic sparked fear in the citizens, curiosity in the scientists, and joy into the occult. On June 1st, 1983 it began to rain and it didn't stop for 66 days. The clouds lightened but never went away. Instead, they started to turn pink and then darkened to a deep red. Blood started falling from the sky. The raining blood fell for four days before the sun broke through. As scared as they were, the people of South Carolina rejoiced. Well, until the stench set in.

The children that grew up during the epidemic were affected by the culture of doom. One of them was particularly moved. She wanted to know the cause. During her teenage years, she had learned of some witches covens that operated in the state to the north. She learned about the spell they had cast on her people. She studied world cultures at the university and became Dr. Bell.

Dr. Bell set out on a mission to seek revenge on all of the witches in the Carolinas. The only way that she knew how to get her payback was to wipe the witches from the planet. She wasn't only after practicing witches. She wanted to destroy the witches of the past too. Dr. Bell spent her twenties building a self-designed time machine. She was going to go back to 1837; that is when the first documented coven started operating in North Carolina. Dr. Bell had to destroy the High Priestess known as Terra. She had to kill Terra before her coven was strong.

On September 28 of 2017, Dr. Bell was ready. She climbed atop of her time machine and started to pedal. The bottles on the table began shaking. The roof followed. The time machine pulled away from the ground and everything went black. Dr. Bell could see her past like it was rewinding and turning to ash as she passed. She saw her own birth in reverse right before the light blinded her. When Dr. Bell regained her vision she was floating still in a dark nothingness. She had passed the dawn of time.

She is still floating in the nothingness. Dr. Bell isn't aging; she is just there in the silent darkness. Time started but Dr. Bell wasn't included.


Huntress IPA
"She will eat you and your little dog too!"
Long before the Knight Templars, the Vikings, or Columbus stepped foot on what would become American soil Mayans were there. The ancient civilization was farther reaching than history books care the entail. North Georgia was a Mayan stronghold before the Cherokee and Creek invaded. Being separated from their empire for generations, the Mayans of North Georgia were reclusive. As the invader's numbers grew the Mayans faded into the shadows and caves. While the Cherokee Nation was expanding the Mayans were rebuilding their own civilization just underneath the rocky soil. Through the ages their noses became stronger, their hearing became animal like, their vision started to fade. They had become a cave tribe more than Mayans.

Survival was tough underneath the surface. The cave people's numbers started to dwindle and only the strongest survived. When rations ran low the nearly blind warriors would lurk in the night outside of their caves. They hunted and feasted on the Creek and Cherokee.

By the time the American Revolution was in full swing the population of cave people was nearly decimated by disease and starvation. The Trail of Tears was particularly hard on them. It wiped out their food source. Of the few babies born in the caves, most of them were female. They kept the males for breeding and the ladies hunted they remaining Native Americans. As the white people began homesteading on the land above them the cave people found a new food source. Their enhanced sense of smell was triggered by young dogs. A litter of puppies would send the cave people into a feeding frenzy like sharks in bloody water.

The ladies of the caves are still roaming the hills of North Georgia nightly, hunting pets and people. It is unlikely that you will ever see a lady of the caves but if you do it will be too late.